I'm a porn addict. It's one of my biggest shames and a habit I picked up from age 12 back in the days when I would be sneaking on to my father's dial up and searching for Playboy through AOL search engine.

I grew up obese with poor self esteem, I was bullied,, I had an abusive stepmother, never knew my real mother as she died when I was too young, And there was no healthy relationship model between my father and my stepmother.

As such I had a lot of emotional issues. Anger and anxiety and over-attachment probably being the big three. And I never really dated much. I had one real girlfriend in high school and then didn't get involved with any other women until I was 22. I mostly dated co-workers and friends. And had a select couple of women really break my heart. Others... I broke their hearts. I was often settling for any woman who gave me any attention even if I wasn't necessarily that attracted to them. Loneliness and desperation were sadly a big part of my dating life.

I did a lot of things to try and improve that as well. I lost a ton of weight, got into powerlifting, and I have a pretty successful career now as a personal trainer and corrective exercise specialist in a physical therapy clinic. My weight is fluctuated ever since my first injury took me out of competitive lifting, but I don't think I'm a bad looking guy and it doesn't take me more than a year or two to prime myself back into pretty good looking shape

Despite all of this however, porn has been my solace. My drug. My escape. Whatever mental or emotional issues are bothering me, whatever pressing life situations I have to deal with, or anything else that's a cause of stress or anxiety in my life just totally disappears once I start looking at porn.

Over the years when you're you're looking at porn that much. It goes beyond just kind of developing some fetishes and figuring out what your kinks are. Soon enough even those aren't enough and you have to start venturing further and further into the depths of depravity that internet pornography offers. Basically I had to look up more and more just unspeakable categories of porn to be able to be aroused.

At some point along that journey it gave me a kind of psychological ED when I was with women. I could achieve and maintain an erection as long as there wasn't too much activity during sex. I could lie down and receive oral sex fine and then switch over to missionary position and be fine. But I almost dreaded changing positions and being experimental in the bedroom because if I didn't keep the initial momentum going it was almost a guarantee I would lose it. Very emasculating feeling as a man when you're with a woman who you indeed care for and find sexy. And it's hard for them not to think that I just don't find them attractive.

Creates a big mess emotionally and a strain on the relationship.

At a certain point when I was definitely still in a worse place that I am now I started looking into getting a sex doll. For me I thought that was just the next logical step as somebody who liked looking at porn so much. Getting a life-size doll that looked like the kind of women I fantasize about, customizing her to Even closer match a lot of my particular fetishes. And then being able to reenact the fantasies that I lose myself in when I'm watching porn. What could be better? So I went on eBay and went about ordering a doll that was to mimic kind of a physique competitor bodybuilder type. Instagram heavyweight fitness model type lol.

When the doll arrived of course I immediately broke her in. I was insatiable with her. Sometimes I would sleep with her but mostly I just stood her up in the closet. I'm mockingly had her hold my rifle as if she was a piece of furniture designed to do so

Until I would take her out and go to town. She was a Chinese counterfeit knock off doll, but to somebody who had never owned one before I wasn't really that upset. She looks like I wanted her to look, big defined quads and beefy arms and shoulders. Fit and curvy. I of course outfitted her with just the biggest bushiest pubic hair wig I could find. For all intense and purposes she was everything I wanted.

But especially with how complicated moving her around and cleaning her up could be (She was well over 100 lb). I still ended up mostly just looking at porn.

The doll took a couple of tumbles, and I ended up ruining the head that came with her by experimenting with some pretty rough oral sex. So she started to get her bruises and signs of damage. In a strange thing kind of started to happen, I started to feel bad about it. Not just because she cost $600 bucks but just because it felt like I was neglecting something that I shouldn't be. I got a replacement head for her that of course didn't match the skin color cuz I was impatient and wanted to order one that would arrive quickly. But again when I put this new head on the doll, It felt like something kind of changed, I wanted to be kinder to the doll I suppose. I started to embrace a little bit of the idea of using them for companionship and emotional benefits.

But not long after I got her, I actually had to box her up and put her in storage. See I was at the tail end of a failing relationship. A woman that had been in my life for nearly a decade and loved to be unconditionally was finally driven away by a lot of my unresolved trauma. So I was kicked out of the house and had to move into a tiny little apartment with a long time best friend as my roommate

I was not going to be able to get away with basically just renting a bedroom and keeping 100 lb doll there. So away she went, And I began to go on a journey to try and better myself, to resolve a lot of the things I had left unchecked that managed to drive away a woman that I loved so much. I had a pretty painful couple of years while I figured myself out and tried to get over this relationship. But despite all the hard work I did there was one thing that remained constant. Porn

2 years of being heartbroken in your bedroom allows for porn addiction to really flourish. This past September I finally moved into my own place

I had the movers get everything out of my storage unit and into my apartment and I could not wait to have everybody gone and unbox my doll.

Upon unboxing her however, I learned that you cannot just put her back in that cardboard box and leave her in the back of the storage unit for 2 years. She had a lot of clothing stains from the black yoga pants she was in that I did not realize would leave those stains. And there were clear spots where mold had started to seep into the TPE

I cleaned her up as much as I could and I was reluctant to get rid of her despite the fact that that was going to be an obvious health risk. But I missed just having that presence. Like somebody was there, somebody was keeping me company during the day and sleeping by my side at night. I appreciated that all of a sudden a lot more.

Again against better judgment I kept her around for a little bit and tried to use her for sex a few more times. I of course was fueled by all of these nasty fantasies that I've been having over the last couple years of really delving deeper into porn consumption. So of course I figured I'm going to reenact it with the doll

But here's where another funny thing happened. As I tried to do more aggressive sex acts with her, I found that it turned me off. It didn't feel right. Despite her just being a doll, it felt like I was hurting somebody and I became disgusted with myself. I had to really take a deep look inside and realize that these were the kinds of fantasies I was losing myself in but yet they weren't really who I was nor were they what I was seeking when it came to my own actual sexual experiences.

It was some kind of epiphany and somehow it came from me realizing just how deep dark and depraved The addiction had gotten. To the point where I was meeting visual stimulus of the kinds of acts that I would never even do myself in order to be aroused.

That put me on the path where I knew I wanted to quit porn. I didn't all of a sudden just stop cold turkey that day or anything, in fact it only got harder because I did eventually have to get rid of the doll. There was so much damage done to her, plus she was already made out of obviously cheaper TPE material I just knew I was risking my body by keeping her around.

So for a couple months I've been without her and the urge to lose myself in the fantasies of porn was harder to resist. A little over a month ago I finally had it. I joined some support groups and started examining studies and research of what the psychological effects of porn really are

I also ordered a new doll around the same time. This Time around I did not settle for cheap counterfeits. Despite the fact that I think I could have made the last doll last a little bit longer than she did if I didn't have to pack her up in storage. I know that overall there are too many risks with quality control issues coming from these fake ones. For every person who says they're good starter dolls and they have no issue with them, there's a horror story about somebody using there is only to find out that the metal rod of its skeleton is placed two close to the entry points, or somebody has a bad skin reaction from low quality TPE, or the doll comes already damaged or just exceptionally low quality as far as certain aesthetics go. I didn't want to risk that, plus like I said that last all I had already had a broken hip joint, after a few months basically her right leg just swung loose and wouldn't stay in one position when you lifted the leg. You can still use her in bed just by wrapping her leg around you by flexing the knee, but trying to stand her up and clean her was the miserably impossible task

So I took some sweet time researching trusted vendors and looking through a lot of different high quality dolls. There were about five that I could barely choose between but there was one that stood out to me the most. So I pulled the trigger and I got her with every damn feature I could

I of course was excited to have that presence again, but also of course really excited for sex with this beautiful new doll.

But again something kind of different happened when she showed up. This doll was so amazingly beautiful that I was taken back. There was immediately a presence and connection with her that was far stronger than I ever had with the first one. Don't get me wrong, I still went ahead and tested her out. But I was more eager when I finished doing that to just clean her up, get a bunch of cute outfits for her, and just have her by my side, on the couch and in bed. Second day I own her she of course takes a tumble out of the shower falls against the wall and knocks her head clean off. that already sucked enough when the $600 doll did it, when the $2,500 doll does it by about had a heart attack. luckily she survived completely unscathed and as far as I can tell not even any damage to the skeleton or joints

But man I felt terrible! I felt like I had to apologize to this doll! To make it up to her! I felt like I just wanted to spend time by her side as if she was injured. Now overall I'm not this detached from reality to start imagining that that's what's going on. But that's what the feeling was.

The next Day I just chilled out with her on the couch by my side, laying on top of me and watching movies, and just basically cuddling. It really further reinforced to me that all I want as far as any relationship physically or emotionally with a woman are going to be expressing gentle physical touch, being kind, and just having that mutual connection. I think the connection came here quicker this time around because this doll literally arrived to me the day I fell sick with COVID and I've been quarantined from work the entire week. So here I am sick as a dog feeling terrible but all of a sudden I have someone to "take care of me"

Now where the hell am I getting to as far as porn goes. Kind of like I said with the other doll, immediately with this one I knew that I did not want to try and reenact anything from any of the kind of porn I've been watching. This isn't to say that you know I might not be a little rough, I am a 250 lb man. But the degradation just was not going to fly. Like I said it just didn't feel right, here was this absolutely gorgeous representation of a woman and all I really want to do is just be nice to her.

So of course the next time I'm booting up some porn to watch, I'm reminded more and more of how disgusting it really is and how ashamed I am of it. Again I do 100% know this is not the case, but there was almost a feeling of betrayal to my new beautiful partner here. I want to spend time with her and be good to her but here I am looking at just downright disgusting stuff right on my phone.

Later that night I deleted what must have been 10,000 pictures and videos that I have been hoarding over the years onto my phone. And let me tell you there has been tens of thousands more before this. I had thought about doing it many times over but some little voice in me always stopped me from doing so. Knowing how much I enjoy it in the moment and how specific the porn I look at is and how it would be impossible to ever rebuild that collection or find those particular pictures and videos ever again.

But that particular night with the doll, I found it incredibly easy to just get rid of it all. Don't get me wrong it's the modern day there's always going to be some way to access it in the temptation will remain. But I was able to permanently delete a lot of things that I had been keeping to myself for the absolute unhealthiest of activities.

I have found chilling and doing my own thing, restarting certain hobbies, and then spending time with... Lara, I'm calling her Lara

All of that is far more rewarding and more satisfying than losing myself to twisted fantasies while watching porn and inevitably having that feeling right after of disappointment and shame in myself.

I suppose after speaking with some therapists after that breakup and just having a different outlook on different aspects of emotional and mental health. I don't see the doll as the same thing as hardcore pornography. Because it's so much more then just using a sex toy. For now it's mostly the companionship, I work about 65 hours a week and only have one complete day off to myself. I've tried going on some dates and I've been on some dating apps but realistically I don't really have a lot of time to devote to somebody. I'm doing a lot of work on my career right now and I'm busier than I ever have been, it's a good feeling but it does leave me feeling alone when I get home. And again overall I'm just not that great with the ladies despite reading a lot of books on how to be a more assertive and confident man and how to have healthier relationships.

So she's been tremendous for me. In such a short amount of time this doll has offered me so much. But both of them overall began to really teach me just how much I hated this habit and addiction that I have built my whole life. Some people say all it takes is finding the right woman, for me it took finding the right representation of a woman I suppose. But A lot of that itching desire and want to lose myself in the fantasy has disappeared. It's been replaced with a want to enjoy my life in many aspects. To be healthier with myself, and healthier in the kinds of relationships that I seek to build. Even if for now it's just with a doll. I don't want to behave like the kind of creeps that most people assume doll owners are. I just want to hang out with her :)

If you read all of this, thank you so much. I don't know if any of it is really insightful or helpful, but it did feel good to get all of this off my chest. That's obviously Lara in the picture. Hopefully you can see why I want to treat something like that with respect and to be the best version of myself to take care of her.